I am having quite the repeat fo this tonight.


I am sitting here tonight because I cant sleep. I ran myself out of meds, purely unintentional, believe me. So this is the second sleepless night. Why even try to lay down and sleep? All that happens is the movie / soundtrack starts, the blackboard with all the questions I keep asking myself scratched on it flashes before my eyes.

Am I doing the right things? Am I doing what I am doing for the right reasons? What will happen to my kid if I am not? Why in the hell did I pick now to quit coffee? Do I really, really want to commit myself to something for an extended period of time?

I recently lost someone. No, he didnt die, nor did he wander off and GET lost. He simply chose not to be a part of my life. Gave me rational, logical reasons which I totally disagreed with and then tried hard to make him understand WHY he was wrong, of course, how could I not? Anyone who hasnt JUST met me knows for a fact that I am not shy about stating my opinions and feelings on, well, just about everything. Dont ask me if you dont want to know. Sometimes that is good, sometimes it is bad. I have spent literally years on working on being better on the switch in my head that keeps me from blurting out whatever comes to mind, and says , oops! Shouldna said that, dumbass!! But it gets stuck in the off position every once in a while.

Anyway. I lost him. Despite my best efforts, or , as I torture myself, perhaps because of them. I miss talking to him, of being able to be his friend. To sound cliche’, I really do wish him the most complete happiness. I just wish that I was part of his joy. Is it wrong to hold hope that he will change his mind ? To believe that I am part of his greater good?

For you who are wondering, yes, he was someone I was involved with, many years ago. But since he lives in another state, far, far away from here, there was really no chance of anything ever happening. It wasnt about getting back together and "picking up where we left off". It was about two humans, who had a lot in common, who could have helped each other thru some tough times and good times with affection and care.

It is only one of the things that I have been laying awake about. That, and my kid has gone from the running a fever, vomiting and poopin’ virus to the fever, coughing and head cold virus, and missed a week and a half of school. Makes nights tough staying up all night with him and then working in the AM.

Anyway, that should be enough. I am going to go indulge in some hot tea and vanilla yogurt. Watch the rest of "Some Like It Hot" , I love that movie. Play with my rats, feed the fish, clean the birds cage............................then try to sleep again by two.

Cheers, all. Dream sweet.

 I wrote this today to my ex cousin in law about his cousin I was married to at one time, David. 

Hey, Big R,

So, as you may know, I work on the nursing staff of a cardiologist. I heard via the grapevine at the clinic I work at that we hired a guy as a medical assitant. Poor fellow , I thought, the only testosterone unit awash in a sea of estrogen. All the nursing staff are female. Yay for him.
So I had my doubts. 

I was sitting at my desk, concentrating on paperwork, the bane of my exsistance, when he walked by. My head snapped up, cause no shit, I thought it was David. Looked like him, same walk, same build, smells the same (sounds odd but true, I am HUGE on smell)....he introduced himslf as Paul, and he even has the same mannerisms. Except younger (about 28) and has some hair. Turns out he was ex military (go figure) and just wanted a change from being in law enforcement.

Holy mother of God, is HE distracting. 

Whew.

I dont know really why I am telling you this, just struck me, I guess. 

Damn.

I am reading a "new" - new for me - Pablo Neruda book tonight. I looked up a couple of his poems with the translations, and found them profound to me. 

Ah, Pablo. You know how to say it.  



Saddest poem

 I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

The Song of Despair

You swallowed everything, like distance. Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank! It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss. The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse. Pilot's dread, fury of a blind diver, turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank! Pablo Neruda

 The most common thing someone with a child would say, of course, was having my son. Which is true, it was a very defining moment.  But I think the best thing I have ever done was stop running. Woke up in Pennsylvania one morning and took a stand.  Went back to where I was running from and painfully, gradually, profoundly changed.